Save a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam. They
will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence.

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your
chin into a bowl of iron filings.

 X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by
drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange
place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously
"erased."

Whilst in bed protect yourself from vampires and werewolves by hiding
under the covers.

Make cheap but effective baby rattles by gluing a lollipop stick to an
empty matchbox, then filling it with ten woodlice.

Foil pick pockets by placing a freshly toasted "Pop Tart" in each
pocket. Would-be thieves will quickly rupture the fragile pastry and
receive nasty finger burns from the steaming hot jam inside.

Confuse shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and asking
them to wrap it.

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply
changing your name to match your existing plate.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to
the object you wish to view.

Fool passers by into thinking you keep a bird of prey by walking down
the street wearing a leather gauntlet, waving a piece of raw meat in
your hand and constantly looking up into the sky.

Terrify ants into believing they have been invaded by "War Of The
Worlds" style Martians by standing 3 pin plugs on end around their
holes.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.

Play "Moth Aircraft Carriers" by floating a shoe box in the bath with
a torch attached. Leave a window open for ten minutes, then turn off
the room lights and watch as the moths attempt to make their dramatic
and dangerous landings.

Regards

Notthat, East Marbella Hospital.