Pretend you're a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating
only bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with the missus.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic
steroids by running a bit slower.

Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in
a sand pit in your garden, and shag every bloke who looks at you over
the fence.

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding
at people as they walk up the aisle.

Housewives. When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff
broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the
side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your
intended destination in the first place.

Record the sound of your washing machine onto a tape, then confuse
neighbours by playing it back on a battery operated cassette player
during a powercut.