CONVINCE your Nan that she's going senile by moving the bookmark in her Barbara Cartland novel 10 pages forward while she's not looking

BANANA lovers. Buy you’re bananas in bunches of 5 on Sunday. Then arrange them in order of ripeness and write a day of the week on each banana in felt pen, Monday on the ripest, Friday on the greenest, to save time making those decisions on a hectic weekday morning.

SUBMARINE designers. Why not put any water pipes on the outside of the sub? That way, if they burst, there is no harm done.

SLOVENLY householders. Always keep a few 'Get Well Soon' cards on the mantelpiece. When unexpected visitors arrive you can tell them that you have not been well and that's why the house is untidy.

GENTLEMEN. Next time you are making love with a lady, cross your eyes and Hey Presto! That saucy threesome with identical twins that you've always dreamed of.

INTERNET porn fans. Avoid tedious interruptions to wipe the screen by first covering it with several layers of cling film which can be torn off like F1 drivers do with their visors.

SAVE electricity by shortening the cables to all your household electric appliances.

KIDS. Threading a piece of string through a ping pong ball and painting it brown is ideal for a fun game of conkers that conforms with the 1974 Health & Safety Act, section 52, paragraph c.

Regards