QUEENS. If a large jewel falls out of one's sceptre, it can easily be replaced with a pear drop of the same colour, from which one has sucked the sugar coating.

HM Queen Elizabeth II, Windsor

SMOKERS. Take a tip from tumble dryer users. Enjoy a crafty cig at your desk by attaching a flexible vent hose to your face and running it out of the office window.

QUEENS. Don't throw away old crowns. They make excellent cosies for Ming Dynasty teapots.

WEATHER presenters. When presenting the forecast, feel free to use both temperature scales for dramatic effect. Use Celsius for cold temperatures (-5?c sounds much colder than 23?F) and Fahrenheit for high temperatures (90?F has much more impact than 32?C)

HOUSEWIVES. Make the normally mundane task of switching the central heating on a little more exciting by singing 'The heating's on' to the tune of 80s hit The Heat is On by Glen Frey as you are doing it.

OLD PEOPLE. Save having to get a flu jab each year by not queuing outside the Post Office every Tuesday morning in the pouring rain an hour before it opens. They won't run out of money. It's not like the queue outside the butcher's during the war.

PARENTS. When people ask how old your child is, they want to know how old he is at the moment. The phrase 'he/she will be five next birthday' involves some tricky calculations and is not very useful.

MOURNERS. Read the dress code instructions on funeral invitations very carefully. Sombre, whilst being only 2 letters away from sombrero, is a world apart in tone.

MUMS. Confuse your children by mixing butter with their I can't Believe It's Not Butter. They won't know what to believe.

Regards