BIRD FLU could be quickly and easily eradicated by adding a few drops of Lemsip or Daynurse to birdbaths. Obviously, you would have to put Nightnurse in the birdbaths for owls.

MANUFACTURERS of Gilette razors. Leapfrog Wilkinson Sword's inevitable six-bladed resonse to your new five-blader, and immediately release a seven-bladed razor.

Salad lovers. A clever way to store lettuce, cabbage and the like is to individually punch holes in the leaves and place them in a ringbinder in the fridge. File cos under 'C', iceberg under 'I' and so on. Simple!

Shoe bombers. Increase your payload by becoming a clown.

Would-be criminals. Before you commit a crime, get a foretaste of what the world would look like from inside a prison by holding a fork up close to your eye.

SUDOKU lovers. Solve your puzzles in seconds by logging on to sudoku.sourceforge.net, typing the clues into the grid and clicking the 'solve' button. This will save hours, leaving you plenty of time to do something worthwhile.

PAUL Daniels. Liven up your routine by actually sawing the 'lovely' Debbie McGee in half on stage.

AMERICANS. Wipe out the Iraqi insurgency by simply joining their side. With your 'friendly fire' tactics, the war should be over in days.

SKATEBOARDERS Stop your trousers from falling halfway down your *** by wearing a strip of perforated leather with a buckle around your waist.

SKATEBOARDERS When buying trousers, choose a pair which stop around about your ankles as opposed to some point about 10 inches further on.

SHOPPERS When buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed.

Regards